When I was eighteen, I moved a thousand miles away from my hometown for college. I had a lot of social anxiety, something I’m still working on today. And because of this, I didn’t have friends. Sure, I knew of people – people in my classes, people who worked in the campus café, people who lived in my campus housing… The problem was that I was surrounded by people and yet felt incredibly unseen – maybe even unwanted. That is a special kind of loneliness that really took a toll on me.
I think a lot of us go through life feeling like a ghost in society. We drift in and out of stores or coffee shops knowing that we don’t have anyone to share our humorous musings with. You know that little smirk you get when you see a funny sign only to have it fade when you realize that no one else will get to laugh at it with you? I get it, I really do.
Maybe you don’t relate to this at all, and that is perfectly ok. We all have different needs and ideas of social engagement. But my guess is that you found this article because you searched for something like “Is it ok if I don’t have friends” or “What to do if I don’t have friends.” So I want you to know that all of those other people in the store who look like they’ve got their life together maybe feel the same way. I know that I am one of them.
What should we do when we go through periods where we feel this way? Well, here are some ideas to feel better when that ghostly feeling strikes.
Do a Mindfulness Exercise
This idea was honestly life changing for me. Job or school stress, social media, and the hustle culture of modern society all keep our brains active while making us lose touch with our physical bodies. The goal behind mindfulness exercises is to be present. Here are two of the twenty-one recommended mindfulness exercises from positivepsychology.com.
Mindful Raisin Eating
This exercise is based on feeling the characteristics of a raisin inside your mouth. If you don’t have raisins, you can use other snacks – but the best substitutes have an uncommon features (i.e. not mushy, or uniform.) Use all your senses to interact with the snack. Observe it’s irregularities, smell it, roll it around on your tongue, and taste it. Stopping to see the details allows us to connect with this moment.
Noticing Your Surroundings
This exercise is designed to help you attune to the space around you. You observe five items with your sight, four items that you can touch, three items you’re able to hear, two items you are able to smell, and one item you are able to taste. Connecting with your environment can bring you out of a thought spiral and let you feel present instead.
The American Psychological Association reports that mindfulness exercises can lessen depression, stress, and anxiety symptoms.
Develop Your Prsonal Interests
If you spend a lot of your free time on your own, this is a great time to reflect on your likes, dislikes, and interests. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship of your life. Take this as an opportunity to get to know yourself and discover what makes you happy. The more you understand these areas, the more confident you can feel in your future friendships. After all, you don’t need anyone’s validation if you accept yourself! This gives you the freedom to explore relationships without feeling desperate. Additionally, you will likely meet people with the same interests as you pursue them.
Attend Local Events
You know those flyers on the cork board at the local coffee shop? Often, they are advertising local bands or poetry readings etc. Getting to experience a fun event with other people might not mean having long-term friends, but it can help you remember that you are not really alone.
Utilize the Mental-Wellness Resources You Have
Access to mental health resources can have various hurdles but still look into what is offered by your insurance or community. When I had no access to therapy through insurance, I have used free mental health apps. Finch, Woebot, and Headspace are apps that I have personally used that are free or have free content.
Take a Free Class at a Library or Community Center
Libraries and community centers are great places to get to know your community. This ties back into following your interests! These public resources are fantastic places to explore interests with little to no cost while meeting members of your community along the way!
Volunteer for a Cause You’re Passionate About
It’s easy to get caught up in thought patterns about negativity in your life. Especially if you don’t have a network to support you. So be that network to someone else and let that experience connect you to community. Helping other people is a gratifying experience that refocuses your attention on the good parts of the world. Connecting with your community means slowing down, being present, understanding how you fit into the community, and demonstrating that we are all in this together. This is a great opportunity to connect to others on a human level.
In the end, the number and level of intimacy of friendship that you have is up to you! There is no standard that says that you need a certain amount of friends to be happy and whole. But if you are feeling any negative effects from a lack of friendship, know that you have options to connect with others. Most importantly, know that your presence in the world is valuable – even when you feel like a ghost.
Citations:
Davis, Daphne M.; Hayes, Jeffery A. (2012.) What are the benefits of mindfulness. American Psychological Association. Vol 43, No. 7. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner
Ackerman, Courtney E. (2017.) 21 Mindfulness Exercises & Activities For Adults (+PDF). Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/mindfulness-exercises-techniques-activities/
